Alternate title: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Lower my Expectations
I'll be the first to admit that I prefer being good at stuff rather than sucking at it. Right now, I suck. Big time. And I don't like it. When I am bad at something I like to get better really fast. Derby is not something you can get better at really fast, no matter how hard you try. Trust me, I have been devoting 90% of my physical energy and 100% of my mental energy to getting better and I think I might actually be getting worse. Is that possible?
Tonight I went to open practice at the CRG warehouse and I was so nervous my knees were literally shaking. People, I am a 40 year old woman who delivers babies in people's homes and I took one look at that cement floor and I wanted to run the other direction. I looked around and saw Beth Row and Dot Bomber and everyone else who is better than I will ever dream of being and I wanted to run. Sell my skates on eBay, go back to aerial and zumba and boring suburban housewifeness. (side note: Beth Row could not be nicer and I think I already have a derby crush on her.)
But I went in... And it was terrible. Hard, scary, and also really fucking hard. They were doing level I assessments and watching that shit led me to understand I will likely never be able to do any of it. Tonight is a night of self doubt and I'm just going to wallow in it. Right now i am feeling like it will be hard to make myself go back... Maybe I can hire a roller derby tutor.
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